It Hurts

I came home that day, from another numbing doctors visit. This time my cancer had moved to my colon. Now all I had to do was tell my family and fight like mad, just to live longer.

Telling Dan was so hard. He'd been through so much with the first cancer. He had been doing everything for me during that cancer. I was going to do more this time. I already made up my mind that he'd been through enough. We decided we had to tell the girls...

My daughters will tell you, if you need to talk to them about anything serious, don't ask them to sit on the couch to talk. They associate the couch with where they were sitting every time we had to tell them about cancer in our family. Couch off limits!

I can't begin to tell you how much harder it was to tell them the second time. Their lives had been turned upside down before and they were just beginning to regain some sense of normalcy.
But, like the strong women and husband they are, we all hugged, cried and decided this would be different. It was.

First cancer: 5 chemo treatments, 14 radiation treatments. Second cancer: 48 chemo treatments, 12 radiation treatments. I was determined to beat it, just because of the hell it was putting my family through...

That was 5 years ago today. I beat it again. You may be thinking, man she's strong. But the one cancer I couldn't beat is the one that will haunt me forever. I prayed for God to give me Dan's cancer. I dared Him to. I swore I'd beat it in the past and I could beat it if he gave it to me, not Dan. He had other plans.

So today I celebrate beating the second cancer. My heart breaks that I couldn't beat Dan's for him.

Cars...

Fess up on this one!

Everyone, at one point or another has named their car or been in a named car. Tricia and I were talking about England last night and one of her favorite memories of going places there, was our British car. The girls were very young so we named our American car Ernie, and our Brisitsh car Bert, like the Sesame Street characters. Bert and Ernie were best friends, and our cars were always parked next to each other, just like best friends hanging out together. The girls like riding in the British car because it didn't have seat belts. Every time we would turn the corner, the girls would slide across the vinyl seats and laugh away. (Sometimes I think they "helped" the sliding process a bit.)

When we moved back to the States we had a Ford Escort named Sammi. The girls loved that car. When we went to sell it, they layed across the hood telling it they loved it and it would be ok. It was like losing a family member. :(

Then came our green Chevy Malibu we dubbed the "moldy green machine." It was such an ugly green color we couldn't come up with a good name for it.

Cars come and cars go, but none the less, somewhere in your past or present I think everyone has named their car. So think back a bit and add a comment to share any names you had for your cars. I'd love to hear some.

Makenzie's "3"

It was really important to Tricia and me to be able to share a special birthday with Makenzie this year. Whatever our budget would allow us to do, we wanted to be sure Kaylie was a big part of it too. With limited funds we decided to make plans for a very special day. Thank God for Josh, one of Kaylie's Godfathers. Josh works at Disney. When we went to visit him he said he'd help us get in and have a great time. That he truly did!

We started the day early, getting ready and over to Disney World. Josh met us all there and we began what I knew would be a day full of memories for the girls. Of course, Cinderella's Castle was the first thing that caught their eyes. "Zamma, it's so big! Does she really live there?" If you look at the upper castle you can see her bedroom! We watched the characters perform while Makenzie directed the music. We toured the castle and enjoyed the beautiful mosaic walls inside. Kaylie loved Cinderella's glass slipper scene.

Josh was able to spend a good portion of the day with us, so the girls could enjoy him too. He showed them Mickey and Minnie's house. Everyone tested out Minnie's sofa. We all loved meeting Mickey and Minnie and getting our pictures taken with them both. You should see Minnie's kitchen!

Both girls got to ride the roller coaster with William. I think it was Makenzie's first Disney roller coaster ride! Kaylie loved it so much she went on twice. We had a great lunch, but Josh had to cut it short so he could go to work. We made plans to see him later. He has "connections" and got us perfect seats in the VIP section to see the Daytime Parade. It was so awesome to watch the girls faces as the characters came by and waved to them or high fived them. Cinderella wished Makenzie a special Happy Birthday as she was wearing a Disney birthday pin from Josh. She was totally awestruck! (He really spoiled us all.)

No child can go to Disneyworld without riding on Dumbo. The girls loved it! We also went into It's a Small World, where we all sang and watched as the girls tried to take it all in. Their eyes were huge! We girls agreed that was the best part. They all went to see Snow White, but Makenzie says the witch "is mean and nasty!"

At 5:00 pm daily, there is a flag retreat on Main Street. We all watched Josh during the retreat. The girls said that was for Papa... It was so amazing. I was so proud of them as they stayed still with their hands on their hearts. Good Girls!

Next came some more rides, and then the night time Spectromagic Parade. Once again we got to spend time with Josh. He took the kids out in the street to play a game until the parade started. Kaylie wanted to stay by him the whole time. We ate our Mickey ice cream, and then watched a beautiful night parade. All the floats and costumes were lighted, making the girls faces easy too see. (That and their huge eyes!)

I've included a short montage of our day. I hope you enjoy it and decide to visit Disney to create your own memories soon. It truly is a "magical"place, and definitely the best place to celebrate your 3rd birthday. Just ask Makenzie! Remember, make those good memories!

After you watch the video, click over to Kristy's blog. She's got some wonderful photos too!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/share_view_player?p=7001e0dc5ae01bc242d422

Kristy's blog: http://thelavellafamily.blogspot.com/

First Visit

The first overnight visitors to our house were, of course, the girls. They had a lot to explore and just wanted to know that Zamma and Auntie were doing OK. We played in all the boxes and totes, hiding and just having fun.

Tricia and Makenzie slept in the bedroom, while Kaylie and I took the sofa. We had such a good time just "hanging out together". The traditional popcorn was popped, and we watched our favorite TV shows. I loved watching their faces when we unpacked something and they would say "Zamma, this is like opening Christmas presents!" We had to play the "Guess what this is " game to see who could guess what we were about to unwrap next.

As usual there were traditions that had to be upheld. Most of all, we had to resume the Oreo Cookie Party. Five cookies each and a great glass of milk, makes for a tradition not to be forgotten. We all know that grandmothers are "required" to have cookies!

After a crazy night of fun and laughs the girls now know Zamma and Auntie are OK and ready for them to visit again soon!

Bleeding

Through the past 8 months there was a song that really helped me stay focused, Bleeding. You hear it a lot more now, but when I hear it I am singing it in my head to our Lord. You see, despite whatever may have been happening around me, HE got me through it all. Here is a link to listen to it and perhaps you will feel the same when you hear it from now on. Its a video, but the sound, not the pictures are what I focused on. Did He want to sing the same song? Could you sing it and understand what I was feeling? Let me know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQwaf_KCjHk

Think back and remember some other songs from your past. Do you still remember what you were going through when the song came out? Music is amazing!!!

FINALLY!!!

Last Friday saw the end to an eight month nightmare. When the electricity was connected and we were officially "in" our place, I felt like the numbness of all those months was finally over.

The last month had been the worst, and the best, thanks to some really good friends. The start of the month found us unexpectedly looking for a new home. We had each other, and that was about it. Living life in a car wasn't fun, but it did make us stronger. We made connections with the right people and were able to get the ball rolling on our place. All I can clearly remember about that time was how Dan must have felt watching all of it unfold... hmmm! We had some really great friends who were there for us and made the waiting better. We were with friends Terry and Skye during Tropical Storm Fay, and were able to help them through a bout of mopping a flooding livingroom and diningroom. After that we moved on to our friend and prior neighbor Jan and her son Scott. The six dogs were a real treat and we ended up seeing who could get the most dogs to come by them. Snoopy is mine! Friends... thank God for them.

So we are now in our place. We've been unpacking and setting things up non-stop. Kaylie and Makenzie spent the night Saturday, and loved playing in the boxes and trying to find us as we unpacked. "Zamma, you have too much stuff" says Makenzie! Got to get the storage area organised before Hurricane Hanna gets here. Hurricanes are a bother, but the flooding here has been record breaking. At one point we had 18 inches of rain in a 24 hour period. Not good... Fortunately the new place had a 1 foot step up into the house. We should be OK, but pray for more wind and less rain. As it stands right now they say it will pass @80 miles off shore from us. That will give us hurricane force winds, but hopefully less rain. Besides, after that we have Hurricanes Ike and Josephine to prep for... Watch behind Josephine, that's the one I'm worried about, but it's not named yet. In the 18 years we've lived in Florida, Central Florida has gotten more storms in the last 4 years than ever before.

I'm hoping to keep blogging on a more regular basis now. I know this was a place to check out for updates and good memories in the past. I'm planning on getting back to that again. Watch for more regular entries. I'm hoping, barring any floods or power failures, to be back for good now. Think of us during your weather updates. Laugh if you want, but the next time you wring out a washcloth or dishcloth, you will think of us down here in "wet" Florida.

WE'RE BACK!!!!

A New Beginning

The past few weeks have taken Tricia and me to places we never expected to be. We've seen and done things that have left us in tears for hours. Things that have been said to us have made us realize what is truly important in life, and believe me when I say we have become stronger people as a result of this journey.

But there is good news to report. We have our own home now and will officially be in it by the end of next week. This is a journey I pray none of you ever have to experience. But, unlike what someone told me awhile back, I got through it with many, many prayers. Prayers do work and they do give you the strength to keep going, even when everything else seems to be falling apart around you. NO ONE WILL EVER CONVINCE ME NOT TO PRAY! Thank you to everyone who has helped us along the way. You know who you are. We will never forget you.

So, it looks like we will be staying in Melbourne for the time being. If any promotions arise as a result of my present jobs, and they want me to relocate, we'll go... but they are paying for the move. I'm too old to keep doing this. Today I moved for what I think is the 50+ time. I can't lift anymore, and my body has screamed that fact to me for the past several hours. I'm hoping once we get settled in I can get back to a regular blogging routine. I've received emails from so many of you saying you enjoy hearing what this blog has to share. I'll be just a bit longer, but I'll be back!

Watch for an email with the new details of our address and phone numbers. In the mean time, reach us by our cells and email addresses. We're still alive and kicking!!!

Funny, Funny Island

Have you ever been sooooo bored and wanted to do something fun with the kids? Let's just say that's what led to our adventure to "Funny, Funny Island".

It all started on a boring night while the girls (Kaylie and Makenzie) were in my room wanting something to do...

We decided we wanted to go on a trip somewhere. As you well know, there is a lot to do to prepare for a trip, get food, get shots, etc. We had to be ready for a fun time! Off to the ocean to set sail...

We were sitting in the middle of the bed trying to come up with a good idea. Suddenly, (all imaginary, of course) a huge ocean wind blew up and we were sent off course in our "bed-boat" to a place called Funny Funny Island. We couldn't get off the island (bed) because there were sharks circling us. Then, as luck would have it, one of our books fell in to the water. We all held Kaylie's legs while she hung over the "beach" and fished the book out of the water before the sharks ate it. Whew, that was close! That shark had lots of teeth and looked way too hungry!

We decide to explore our island, travelling all around it on our knees. (There's a visual for you... me crawling on a bed on my knees.) We finally found a huge cave and decided to go inside. (It was easy if you crawled under the comforter.) It wasn't really dark in the cave so when we hung on to the ceiling of the cave we could see pictures that the natives drew on the walls of the cave. (The light from the TV as you look through the comforter was showing us the seashell design on the comforter.) Those natives really knew how to draw good seashells! We decided to trace them with our fingers and pretend to draw pictures of our own. We looked the pictures up in our books to "decipher" them. (We learned a new word, decipher!)

All of a sudden there was a huge clap of thunder and Makenzie nearly came out of her skin. As luck would have it, God was assisting us in our island trip by making thunder for real, outside. We decided we would stay in the cave until the storm passed. We listened to some natives talking outside the cave (the TV voices) and decided when the storm was over we would try to get back home. After the storm, we came out of the cave and saw a ship in the bay. We also saw rocks we could walk on (thank God for pillows) to get to the ship and head home. slowly we climbed on the rocks and tried really hard not to fall in the bay. That hungry shark was still out there somewhere!

Yes, we made it to the ship (the doorway) and went safely home to tell everyone about our trip. When we got home the girls said we should share some pictures we took on our journey, so here they are!

It's Been Awhile

Don't faint, I'm still alive and kicking! So its been awhile since I've posted... When I started this blog it was to bring back memories and help me to better understand who I've become. If, along the way, I sparked some good memories for the readers, that was a bonus.

I haven't been posting because, if you know me at all, I try to see the cup as half full... all the time. With all that's been going on in my life lately, it seemed like there were days when just seeing the cup was an accomplishment. I don't like to spread negativism's and that's all I've been feeling. By posting, I felt as if I was spreading that to everyone else.

I've been to the beach a lot. It's my place to think and make sense of the things that aren't easy for me to understand. It's the best place for me to pray. When the waves come in, it's like God's saying "Throw in your problems and I'll wash them away." Out go the waves and my head seems cleared.

Earlier this week I had a slap of "get your act together". I'd emailed my cousin Renee to see how my Uncle Glen was doing. I was feeling one of those "vibes" and I had to know he was OK. Renee responded with an email that took my breath away. My cousin Summyr has leukemia. It killed her Grandmother, my Aunt Grace, and now she had it. In flooded the memories and wow, was I messed up. My Aunt Grace was there for me when I had my breast cancer. She and I had the bald head, chemo, radiation , and we shared this bond that not many people ever have. (Thank God.) To know that her granddaughter was now battling this stupid disease was unbelievable. I remember wanting to make sure someone was asking my Uncle Glenn how he was through all of it too. (Somehow the spouse doesn't always get the support they deserve.) Now Summyr's husband, Mike is in that boat and I wish there was something I could find to say to him. I saw some pictures of the two of them and know their love is deeper than most people will ever be able to share. One look in their eyes and you know they are fighting this together. I believe they will beat it... together.

My memories of my cancer days have been very prominent these past few days. I remember Dan cutting my hair for me. I could hear him crying, but I never said a word to him. I let him rub my head and call me "Baldy", because I knew that it was his way of facing the reality of the disease and it would ease his pain. I remember the closeness we shared through that ugly disease, both cancers, and I know without a doubt, without Dan and my girls I never would have survived my cancer.

So where does this leave me now? Missing Dan even more. Remembering the sacrifices he made for me. Knowing everything my family was doing for me was as much to help them as it was to help me. Some people need to "do" to get through challenges. Others type, write, read, or just pray a lot. Whatever works for you, do it. My sister-in-law Pam is also battling cancer and all I can tell her, too is to keep fighting. This is changing your life and the lives of your families. I remember swearing I would never take another day for granted. I was wrong. I did and still may. You would think I would have learned ...

But one thing is still the same as then: I do not have time to die. I have too much left to do. I have too much left to learn. I have too many smiles to flash and hugs to give. And knowing me as I know you do, you know I still have too much talking to do. So I'll end this post by saying:
"After you read this, think about just how lucky you are today. Then thank our Lord for what you have. Faith is free. Try it. It will sustain you when it feels like nothing else will."

Amen.

Head Vacations

So, what do you do when you are broke, but you still want to do something. If you know me, you know I'm crazy, so...

I go on Head Vacations. (Now this is not the same as "head trips" from the 70's!) I do it to relax, get away mentally, and to keep my "the glass is half full" perspective. Let me explain, before you think I've totally lost it. I'm betting I'm not the only one taking head vacations...

Sometimes my vacations come as a result of being broke, sometimes as a result of being financially OK. Here's an example:

This was about 8 years ago. Dan and I were swimming in our pool, relaxing and counting our blessings. We talked about how there were things we wanted, but nothing we really needed.
We had the "if I had a million dollars to blow" conversation and it went a bit like this:
We would have a huge family reunion with all our parents, siblings and their families, aunts and uncles and their families. Like I said, it would be huge! We would do one side of the family first and then the other side. We decided on a week at Disney World. After we flew everyone down or trained in the non-flyers, we paid for everything, except souvenirs. We booked the Caribbean Beach Resort for everyone. The good part about Disney is that they do all the transportation, so we could come and go and no one had to do any driving. We would all do whatever we wanted during the day, but we had to all meet up for at least breakfast each day. We were family and needed to appreciate that fact. Wherever possible we booked shows, like the Luau at the Polynesian Resort, or LaNouba at Downtown Disney. The idea was to have everyone together to enjoy "FAMILY". Everyone could go to all the parks and water parks as they pleased. We made a suggested agenda for anyone who wanted it. The last night there we all got together for a huge family photo on the steps in front of Cinderella's castle at the Magic Kingdom. We had Family Reunion shirts made up for everyone. Everyone agreed to share their photos and videos with each other so that at the following years family reunion we would all reminisce about Disney World.

So here I am 8 years later still having Head vacations. Kristy laughed at me the other night because I even took out paper and wrote down who I'd invite, where we would go, and things we could do. Maybe I should be a Family Vacations Planner or something??? Anyway, it got me through the "I'm tired of being broke" mood I was in. It's one of those things to do when you are bored and don't have the means to go/do something. I'd suggest the family play it as a game and have the kids look up ideas of things to do. Then save them and hopefully someday turn the dreams into reality. Anyone who knows me is tired of hearing me say "when I win the lottery"...

Here are a few more exaples of Head Vacations I've had:
- there was the time I took 11 other people with me on a tour of England to see where we used to live and all the very cool things there.
- the time my sisters and I went to Key West to just "hang out". (This one actually came true.)
- the one where I take all my Dad's sisters and brothers and we go to Disney to ride on the Merry go round. (That was actually a Head Dream of my Dad's.)
- we rent two 28 bedroom houses in the Outer Banks of North Carolina for a week and have family get togethers.
- we invite people that have helped us out during our lives to spend a week in Florida and relax or do whatever they want to do to get away. (Did this one too!)

There is also another good thing about taking the time to Head Vacation. You find things you can do and appreciate that are within your grasp right now. You see how lucky you are to have what you have and who you have in your lives. So, admit it or not, I'm betting you've all gone n a Head Vacation or two in your time. The question now is will you comment on this blog and share some Head Vacations with me? Who knows, we may have "gone to the same place" and never even knew it!!!

Comments please... fess up!