We're Off!

If you've been keeping up with this blog you know things haven't been the best lately. So it's time for a change!

Next week Tricia and I will be moving to Illinois/Wisconsin for a new start. We will stay with my sister Candy initially, but hope to get out on our own as quickly as possible. The job market hasn't been very good here in Florida and I've basically exhausted all my leads. I need to support us and want a career that will be permanent, not "just for now".

Honestly, the thought of heading back to cold weather is far from enticing, but reality is reality. My family has been supportive and responsive to our needs. I only hope I can somehow repay them all. This will also put us back within a day of Ohio and all the Haynes side of the family. I really thought I could do this all on my own. Now I see that there is nothing wrong with turning to family for help. But the key there is HELP, not SUPPORT. I need to be the one who can support us. They will be helping me and I will be ever indebted.

We will finish things up here by midweek, say our goodbyes, and head up north. If all goes well we should be at Candy's by Friday night. It will be hard to say good bye to people here, but I plan on keeping in touch with all of them. Saying good bye to family is going to be killer.... :(

Feelin' Old and Lovin' It

So, I'm tired. But it's a good tired. It's from being busy the past few days.

Friday Kristy had somewhat unexpected gallbladder surgery. Tricia and I played with the girls all day and tried to keep their worried minds busy so they wouldn't be too upset. We played. A lot. We made get well cards for Mommy and talked about operations. They asked good questions and I hope I answered them well and correctly for their ages. We played dodge ball in the hallway with all the doors closed. I wore them out! We made get well popcorn and ate it for Mommy so she wouldn't get too hungry from the operation... Kaylie's idea.

Saturday I found out that Kristy and William were still moving to their new place. Their friend helped William do the physical moving. The girls played moving day and helped carry stuff and watched everything. Too cute. They were in and out of the truck area almost as much as the guys. Kaylie was basically William's shadow for the day. The best part for her was getting to ride in "the big truck". "See Zamma, I get to sit way up there with Daddy" she told me. "It's big up in the air because you have to be big to go drive the truck." And we all know Kaylie is big now. LOL again, too cute!

I tried to make Kristy take it easy, but she was up and going, letting me know what to pack. Finally the pain meds kicked in and she slept a short bit. I tried packing and staying ahead of the guys, but they were moving at a pretty good clip so they kept me busy. When Tricia and I took Kristy and Makenzie to see the new place Makenzie and Kaylie gave me the tour. Their favorite part was their new playroom. "Zamma, it even has a bathroom stuck to it!" LOL...

Today we finished up the majority of the packing and William loaded a big truckload. He worked his butt off and really got a lot moved. Now as they empty boxes we bring them back over here and refill them with the last odds and ends.

Tricia and I have their old house to ourselves until their final closing date. It will give me time to help them clean the house and go through some of my things that were stored in their back sunroom. I'm tired, but like I said earlier, it's a good tired. I didn't move much, only pack. But they are in their new place and can focus on the future now. Time flies when you move!

Patience...

Patience... a lesson I'm sure God has been trying to teach me since I was born... patience...

Remember being excited about getting to go somewhere special as a kid? You know that feeling you get that somehow time is controlled by someone somewhere and they slow it down when you are waiting to be able to do something fun or start something new? Patience...

I used to get that feeling every year on the day before school started. I was so anxious to get started. Summer was fun, but after the first week it got boring. What about going to visit someone? It seemed like forever before the day would finally get there and you could go. Then that person controlling time would speed it up while you were gone. Poof, the trip was over so fast! Patience...

I remember waiting for our orders to go to a new country or base when we were with the military. They would ask you as far out as year before you left, where you wanted to go. We'd plan that dream sheet out, hoping we'd get one of our choices. Then came the time to wait and see where you'd end up.. It was "living limbo" as the GIs called it. You don't want to invest too much in new clothes because you may buy winter stuff and end up in the desert, etc. You held off on any new furniture so the movers wouldn't ruin it in the move. Finally the day would come when you heard where you would be going next. Then the wait changed to when do we leave? Patience...

What about buying your first home? Paperwork out your ears needed to be filed to qualify and get the ball rolling. When we built our first home it was so exciting. we had to pick doors, cabinets, carpet, tile, you name it. Just seeing the vacant lot get graded was exciting! Each step in the buliding process seemed to drag except the day the exterior walls went up. One day you have a slab, the next day your walls are up. You could finally begin to visualise it all. You would get over excited and want to start buying things for the inside. Slow it down! Patience...

What about applying for college or school? All the paperwork again! Where do I go? Do I get far away, maybe just far enough away, or do I want to hang out closer to home? What school? The whole process is overwhelming. Then you hear if you got the scholarship and the school of choice. Got to prep for the move! Patience...

What about applying for a great job? You see an opening in a company you'd really love to work for. Do you qualify? Can you do this job? Whether it's your first job or your fifth, the process is the same. You fill out all the paperwork and wait. You get the interview and wait. You get the call and... wait. Patience...

Here's where I am 53 years into playing this life game. I'm still not good at it. I still need more patience. If one more person says "you've got it", "everything happens for a reason", or "you're almost there"... Patience...

Last week I had a panel review with Kmart. You know me, I say what's on my mind. When speaking with the VP of the company I talked about a program we had at my last job and how we made it very successful. Then he said "Maybe we should have you be the District Director of the Smart Card Program." Whatever, just let me start work and start getting paid. I'm broke! I can do any job you put in front of me and do it well. So let's get started already! Patience...

Now they are deciding if they want me as a Store Coach (manager) in DC (District Coach)training or if I'm going to be the District Director of the Smart Card Program. I was quoted my pay for the Store Coach, but not yet for the Smart Card, although it would be "significantly higher". Hello! I'm broke! I need to work! I need... patience...

I will update you when I hear what comes next, when it starts and where we will be moving. Please pray for more patience...

11 Years, A Lot Has Changed

Eleven years ago today all I wanted was to wake up from my surgery, see my husbands face, and hear I was cancer free. I got to see Dan's face, but didn't get the wish about being cancer free. I remember the doctor telling me when I woke up they would know if I had breast cancer or not. I know this is hard to understand, but I was never afraid to die. I was so worried about what this would do to my family, death really wasn't on my mind. I knew that if I had cancer my family's lives would be changed forever. I knew that the stress they would face would be horrible. There was only one thing left to do, in my mind, I could not die. I could not let my family go through any more than they absolutlely had to. We talked about if I died, but I just couldn't let that happen.

I remember Dan whispering in my ear that it was positive for cancer. Then he said the most wonderful thing: " I love you Sue. This will only make us stronger." We were pretty much loners as far as family goes. We were always having to move due to the military, so we never really lived near family. That made us so close. It was the four of us against the world! I knew this was going to scare all of us. But I knew in my heart that I was going to have to keep the mindset that giving up was not an option.

Pam, Dan's sister was with me for my first chemo. She was asking questions and reassuring me about the chemo and the choices I had made for my treatment. It took two chemo treatments before my hair began to fall out. After my second treatment I asked Dan to buzz my head with the clippers so the hair loss wouldn't be so noticable. I can still hear him crying as he shaved off my hair. I tried to make jokes about it, but Dan wasn't going to laugh that day. That night he kept rubbing my head saying we'd be ok. I remember thinking he was saying that to convince himself more than me. He made me promise not to die. The song Cherish came on the radio. We cried. We fell asleep in each others arms feeling as if the hard part were only beginning.

The Kojak look wasn't really good on me, ask my niece and nephew Monica and Tyler. When they saw me with no hair it scared them so bad they wouldn't come near me. Dan's Great Aunts were the best though. We were at a golf tournament for Sean Gaffney, Dan's cousin. (Ironically enough the tournament was about supporting cancer patients and their families.) All of Dan's Great Aunts came up to me and hugged me. Of course Aunt Margie and Aunt Jackie were cool about it. They cracked a few bald jokes with me and we all laughed. I really wanted someone to be there for Dan. He needed someone to talk to and it couldn't be me. Pam came through again for him.

I never would have made it through that entire ordeal had it not been for my family. The girls and Dan were the best. Tricia had a rough time looking at me with no hair, but she would come in my room when it was dark and talk to me while I held her. Kristy was a trouper. She even helped change bandages. She would cry while we hugged, but she needed to get that all out. They were so scared. It was so hard for them. I remember sleeping all day so I could be awake and act "healthy " for everyone when they got home for the day. Dan did everything for me. I mean everything. They kept me going, gave me reasions to look ahead, and laughed at all my bald jokes. My family had Kristy's Graduation and my parents 50th Anniversary coming up in June. I had to finish the chemo by then so I could enjoy that and them. I finished days before they came to Florida. I did the radiation after they left. I just wanted to get back to work where life would start being normal again. Normal...

So today, eleven years later I woke up wanting the same thing: to see my husbands face and to be cancer free. Only this time I got the opposite results. I'm cancer free, but I can't see Dan's face looking back at me. Oh wait, I can close my eyes... yes... there he is. I love you.

Steve

A blonde haired, blue eyed little boy with a flat top haircut... my memories of my brother Steve as a child start here. He was definitely all boy!

He drove a blue metal pedal car with red rims. (OK, so his taste in vehicles has improved over the years.) He was the only boy in a house full of girls and he was spoiled because of it. I loved to spoil Steve. We played Hot Wheels cars for hours. The cool orange snap together race tracks would start in the Sun Room, go through the Living Room and end up in the Family Room. The best track route started on the desk and ended up with cars rolling into the hallway. We were aces at car racing, but of course he always won.

We used to get in trouble for digging up the grass around the steps, but the dump truck couldn't get through the little bare spot that was already there. We totally killed everything in the flower circle, but we needed the dirt to make hills and roads for the trucks and cars. We had to make everything as real as possible, and you all know hills are a must for trucks to move and drive on.

So lets talk mowing the grass... It's funny how the front yard ended up mowed in the perfect pattern for a baseball diamond. Guess we were pretty creative. When we got the power mower rather than the old push mower we could make even better base lines. The telephone pole was first base, the first tree on the right was second base, the sticky pine tree was third, and the rock was home plate. Did you ever notice how the flower circle was in the perfect spot for the pitchers mound? But thank God we kept the push mower, because when we were mowing during a tornado I think it was the only thing that kept me from blowing away. We didn't want to stop until we finished or the grass would end up two different heights. Steve got in the house in time, but I can still rememebr my Mom yelling to me to get in the house before I blew away! There I was, hanging on to the push mower and trying to wrap one arm around a tree. That was some really bad wind!

Kite flying was awesome. I had a kite shaped like a black bat. It flew out as far as the string was long. Then the line snapped and it disappeared. Steve flew a blue one that got up so high we could hardly see it anymore. The gross part was flying them from the field next to the house. There were mice and rats in that field. Need I say more?

Which leads to the tree fort. It wasn't built in a tree like you would think, it was built on the back of a huge sign that was attched to the sign shop that was behind our house. We worked on that thing for days. Finally, Dad, Steve and I slept in it one night. Well, lets say part of a night... you see Mom and Marcia decided to open our second floor bedroom window and throw ice cubes at the fort during the night. Having remembered the rats and mice in the field by day, and now sleeping above that same field by night, we thought the ice cubes were rats, and took off running to the house for cover. The creepy part is, as I got down the ladder and was running for the house, bare foot because we were supposed to be sleeping, I stepped on a live rat! OMG... I can still feel that! So ended the sleeping in the tree fort. I don't think any of us ever even went in it again after that.

Being the only boy also meant Steve got stuck being the "Daddy" for us when we played babies with our dolls. Not his favorite thing to do at any age! But we made it up to him when he knocked down the Christmas tree one Christmas...

Let's talk about the time Marcia locked Steve out of the house while she was babysitting. He decided to get in the house by kicking in the basement window. Well, the window hit the oil gauge on the oil tank full of heating oil. The tanked had just been filled, and now it broke, sending a full tank of oil all over the basement. Not a good day for Marcia or Steve... But once it was all cleaned up, we could skate again in the basement. Big laps around the furnace, over and over and over again...

When Dan and I first came home after being married, something had happened to that little blue eyed boy. There was fuzz on his lip and the weirdest deep voice coming from his mouth. My "little" brother was gone as I watched him pull luggage from the trunk of the car. Where the heck did all those muscles come from? What did you do to my "little" brother. We went to watch him play football. He and Dan had golf in common so he was deep in conversation about golf everytime they got together.

Now, he's still there for me. Maybe we don't play Hot Wheels cars anymore, but I bet if I got him some, we would! I love you Steve. Happy Birthday!!!