It's Been Awhile

Don't faint, I'm still alive and kicking! So its been awhile since I've posted... When I started this blog it was to bring back memories and help me to better understand who I've become. If, along the way, I sparked some good memories for the readers, that was a bonus.

I haven't been posting because, if you know me at all, I try to see the cup as half full... all the time. With all that's been going on in my life lately, it seemed like there were days when just seeing the cup was an accomplishment. I don't like to spread negativism's and that's all I've been feeling. By posting, I felt as if I was spreading that to everyone else.

I've been to the beach a lot. It's my place to think and make sense of the things that aren't easy for me to understand. It's the best place for me to pray. When the waves come in, it's like God's saying "Throw in your problems and I'll wash them away." Out go the waves and my head seems cleared.

Earlier this week I had a slap of "get your act together". I'd emailed my cousin Renee to see how my Uncle Glen was doing. I was feeling one of those "vibes" and I had to know he was OK. Renee responded with an email that took my breath away. My cousin Summyr has leukemia. It killed her Grandmother, my Aunt Grace, and now she had it. In flooded the memories and wow, was I messed up. My Aunt Grace was there for me when I had my breast cancer. She and I had the bald head, chemo, radiation , and we shared this bond that not many people ever have. (Thank God.) To know that her granddaughter was now battling this stupid disease was unbelievable. I remember wanting to make sure someone was asking my Uncle Glenn how he was through all of it too. (Somehow the spouse doesn't always get the support they deserve.) Now Summyr's husband, Mike is in that boat and I wish there was something I could find to say to him. I saw some pictures of the two of them and know their love is deeper than most people will ever be able to share. One look in their eyes and you know they are fighting this together. I believe they will beat it... together.

My memories of my cancer days have been very prominent these past few days. I remember Dan cutting my hair for me. I could hear him crying, but I never said a word to him. I let him rub my head and call me "Baldy", because I knew that it was his way of facing the reality of the disease and it would ease his pain. I remember the closeness we shared through that ugly disease, both cancers, and I know without a doubt, without Dan and my girls I never would have survived my cancer.

So where does this leave me now? Missing Dan even more. Remembering the sacrifices he made for me. Knowing everything my family was doing for me was as much to help them as it was to help me. Some people need to "do" to get through challenges. Others type, write, read, or just pray a lot. Whatever works for you, do it. My sister-in-law Pam is also battling cancer and all I can tell her, too is to keep fighting. This is changing your life and the lives of your families. I remember swearing I would never take another day for granted. I was wrong. I did and still may. You would think I would have learned ...

But one thing is still the same as then: I do not have time to die. I have too much left to do. I have too much left to learn. I have too many smiles to flash and hugs to give. And knowing me as I know you do, you know I still have too much talking to do. So I'll end this post by saying:
"After you read this, think about just how lucky you are today. Then thank our Lord for what you have. Faith is free. Try it. It will sustain you when it feels like nothing else will."

Amen.