Mixed Emotions

Thirty-two years. Thirty-two years ago today I married the one true love of my life. Wow, was it really that long ago? I can close my eyes and it seems like today. I can close my eyes and remember when I first woke up that morning. It was a sunny, beautiful day. In a few hours I was going to be married! I was on the other side of the world. But I wasn't alone. Just a few months earlier I'd met the man who would change my life forever. We met on December 29, 1975, at four in the afternoon. On April 10, 1976, at four o'clock we would be married. Not ironic, planned. We were just kids, but without a doubt, we were in love. To think of it now seems like a classic romance novel or movie.

We were on the other side of the world in a small village. It was a place called Torrejon, Spain. There were no family members there that day. Only our friends to celebrate the most important day of our lives. Of all the people there, four families stand out it my mind: the Menzies, John was Dan's Best Man, Flora was my Matron of Honor, Annette was my junior Bridesmaid, and Mark was our Ring Bearer; the Croan's, Charlie Croan was my Dad for the day and walked me down the aisle; the Zaragoza's who's adorable daughter Rachel was my Flower Girl ; and the Nelson's, Bob was our Usher. The friends we had there that day were our family as well as our friends.

As the doors to the Base Chapel opened that afternoon, I saw three things: the cross, knowing God was about to bless us and our marriage... for life; Father Hargraven the Priest who would marry us; and Dan. I remember seeing them in that order. I remember just staring at Dan as I walked down the aisle. I don't remember seeing anyone else, once my eyes met his. In my head I was praying the entire walk. God please let me be a good wife to him. Mary, please let me be a a wonderful mother to his children, should God decide to bless us with a family. Lord, in the events of this day, somehow let our families back home feel that they are with us today. I loved our Wedding Day. I still have the small cassette tape we made of our ceremony. We wanted our families to hear it so they could , in their own small way, say they were there with us.

After the church we headed to the NCO Club for our reception. There were about fifty people there. That's the first time I really realised who all was there. We had a wonderful meal, topped with a four layer cake. The top layer was white, to represent us. Then came blue for our Matron of Honor and Best Man. Yellow was in the middle to represent the Bridesmaids and Groomsmen. (We told ourselves that if we'd been in the States this would have been the brothers and sisters we surely would have had stand up.) The bottom layer was pink to represent the Flower Girl and Ring Bearer. It was a rainbow wedding. We cut our cake with a small, silver, Spanish sword we picked out earlier in the month. We drank champagne from a silver Champagne fountain. A small gift shop near the base is where we found our silver Champagne glasses. I still have the sword and glasses.

Everything was over by six that night! We left the Club and went to a beautiful hotel Dan picked out in Madrid. When we opened the door to our room we both burst out laughing. I guess Dan's Spanish wasn't as good as he'd hoped because there were twin beds! We must have stood there laughing for a good five minutes. We talked about the Wedding and the friends who spent the day with us. We were out on the terrazza just watching the city. Then, we both realized we were hungry and decided to change back into casual clothes and get something to eat. After remembering the "twin bed Spanish", we headed back to the Base to ensure we ate what we thought we were ordering.

The staff at the Club were so great to us. We gave them a good laugh though. Dan insisted I order anything I wanted. We were kids on a small budget, but today was our Wedding Day. He wanted this dinner to be memorable. AND IT WAS! You see, I ordered lobster. They placed it before me, a whole, huge lobster, fully intact. Within seconds I heard Dan say "Oh no. I can't sit here with that thing looking at me!" He proceeded to get up and sit at another table. The waiters were laughing. They had served our Wedding Reception Dinner just hours earlier! Now they were watching the Bride and Groom dining at separate tables! They offered to take back the lobster and remove the head so Dan would be more comfortable. We were laughing as the lobster "Pedro", as we dubbed him, was returned to the table, followed by Dan. By now everyone in the Dining Room knew the story and was congratulating us. It was wonderful.

When we left the Club we went to the Service Center to call home. It was the first time I ever talked to my new in-laws. We talked to our families for what seemed like seconds because the call home was so expensive. I remember telling my Mom I was nervous about the night ahead. Would I know what to do? What if I messed up? Crazy things to say to your Mom on your Wedding night, I know. We both cried most of the way back to the hotel. We vowed we would have a 25Th Wedding Anniversary and have all our families there to celebrate the renewal of our vows. In all honesty, there was one good laugh still ahead. When we got back to our hotel room, Dan opened the door and we started laughing about the twin beds again. But it took Dan all of ten seconds, saying "no way", to rearrange that room. We laughed some more.

"Goodnight Mr. Haynes" was the last thing I said. "Good Night Mrs. Haynes" was his sleepy response. I'd give anything to hear his voice again...

Once we retired and moved to Florida it became an annual trip on our Anniversary to go to Disney. We always went to Epcot. The day would start in Mexico. (There is no Spain there, so we improvised.) We'd eat something small there, laugh about Pedro the lobster, Dan would move to another table for a minute, and then sit back with us. The kids had no idea what that was about, but we'd always laugh. At night we'd eat at The Rose and Crown Pub, in England, to remind us of the six years we spent living in England. We'd call our families to say hi that night, even though we never reminded them it was our anniversary. It was our own little "reenactment ritual" but it meant a lot to us. We did, however skip the twin bed part...

Our first anniversary after Dan died we went as a family to Disney. That day, however, we didn't go to Epcot. My heart was so empty feeling. I cried all night, and still do. I'm sure the kids heard me crying and even heard me laugh in the middle of the night as I remembered "Pedro"the lobster and the twin beds. I honestly wanted to die that anniversary. I couldn't imagine going on without Dan. Then, as God always show me, the sun rose and I saw my family quietly sleeping. I knew Dan wouldn't want me to leave them alone. I know we will be together again. So I put the thoughts of dieing aside and decided I'd have an anniversary day to remember.

I was out by the pool, by myself, just thinking. Kristy came up with the rest of the family; William, Tricia and Kaylie. She looked worried and handed me my cell phone. "Mom, Aunt Mary has been trying to reach you. It's important." At first I almost didn't call her back, thinking she was calling to say Happy Anniversary. I remember looking at the phone in my hand and knowing there was something wrong. I called Mary and she told me Dan's Mom had just died. God, no! How could you do that! Why today? How cruel could you be? We packed our things, checked out of the hotel and headed home. We all repacked our clothes and headed for Ohio. Just months earlier we had those same clothes for Dan's funeral. How could this be happening? I drove the trip up there trying not to cry so we wouldn't go off the road. We were all talking about Grandma, and death, and trying to understand why God took her home today of all days... We saw beautiful clouds on the trip up to Ohio. (I wrote about them in an earlier blog post.) We all swear we saw clouds formed like Dan with his arms open to welcome his Mom home. We were all crying then.

We got to Ohio in record time. Mom Haynes died three years ago today, on our Anniversary. That night when I got in bed at the hotel, as exhausted as I felt physically, I knew I was going to have "a talk" with God. I knew I had to try to understand all of this. A calm came over me as I layed in the dark, listening to my family sleep. I remember I was crying and just kept thinking "why?". Then as if God Himself were in the room talking to me, I knew something no one else knew about that day. I remembered the words Dan spoke 29 years earlier. "I wish I could be with my Mom right now. I really, really miss her." I decided that night, that God chose that day to take her home to Him, and so Dan would have his Mom there on his anniversary day...

Until recently I don't think any of the Haynes family realised Mom died on our anniversary. That was understandable. This year, the loneliness of this day is compounded by the fact that for the first time, my anniversary won't be spent at Epcot. So today, Mom Haynes, can you please dance an anniversary dance with Dan for me? I know you loved to dance, and I know he hated to dance. But on our anniversary he always danced, for me...

Today is so full of mixed emotions. I feel joy when I remember you both alive, happy and dancing. I feel sadness, emptiness and loneliness without you. I love you. I wish we were all together again. Someday we will be, just not yet. Happy Anniversary Dan! I love you...