11 Years, A Lot Has Changed

Eleven years ago today all I wanted was to wake up from my surgery, see my husbands face, and hear I was cancer free. I got to see Dan's face, but didn't get the wish about being cancer free. I remember the doctor telling me when I woke up they would know if I had breast cancer or not. I know this is hard to understand, but I was never afraid to die. I was so worried about what this would do to my family, death really wasn't on my mind. I knew that if I had cancer my family's lives would be changed forever. I knew that the stress they would face would be horrible. There was only one thing left to do, in my mind, I could not die. I could not let my family go through any more than they absolutlely had to. We talked about if I died, but I just couldn't let that happen.

I remember Dan whispering in my ear that it was positive for cancer. Then he said the most wonderful thing: " I love you Sue. This will only make us stronger." We were pretty much loners as far as family goes. We were always having to move due to the military, so we never really lived near family. That made us so close. It was the four of us against the world! I knew this was going to scare all of us. But I knew in my heart that I was going to have to keep the mindset that giving up was not an option.

Pam, Dan's sister was with me for my first chemo. She was asking questions and reassuring me about the chemo and the choices I had made for my treatment. It took two chemo treatments before my hair began to fall out. After my second treatment I asked Dan to buzz my head with the clippers so the hair loss wouldn't be so noticable. I can still hear him crying as he shaved off my hair. I tried to make jokes about it, but Dan wasn't going to laugh that day. That night he kept rubbing my head saying we'd be ok. I remember thinking he was saying that to convince himself more than me. He made me promise not to die. The song Cherish came on the radio. We cried. We fell asleep in each others arms feeling as if the hard part were only beginning.

The Kojak look wasn't really good on me, ask my niece and nephew Monica and Tyler. When they saw me with no hair it scared them so bad they wouldn't come near me. Dan's Great Aunts were the best though. We were at a golf tournament for Sean Gaffney, Dan's cousin. (Ironically enough the tournament was about supporting cancer patients and their families.) All of Dan's Great Aunts came up to me and hugged me. Of course Aunt Margie and Aunt Jackie were cool about it. They cracked a few bald jokes with me and we all laughed. I really wanted someone to be there for Dan. He needed someone to talk to and it couldn't be me. Pam came through again for him.

I never would have made it through that entire ordeal had it not been for my family. The girls and Dan were the best. Tricia had a rough time looking at me with no hair, but she would come in my room when it was dark and talk to me while I held her. Kristy was a trouper. She even helped change bandages. She would cry while we hugged, but she needed to get that all out. They were so scared. It was so hard for them. I remember sleeping all day so I could be awake and act "healthy " for everyone when they got home for the day. Dan did everything for me. I mean everything. They kept me going, gave me reasions to look ahead, and laughed at all my bald jokes. My family had Kristy's Graduation and my parents 50th Anniversary coming up in June. I had to finish the chemo by then so I could enjoy that and them. I finished days before they came to Florida. I did the radiation after they left. I just wanted to get back to work where life would start being normal again. Normal...

So today, eleven years later I woke up wanting the same thing: to see my husbands face and to be cancer free. Only this time I got the opposite results. I'm cancer free, but I can't see Dan's face looking back at me. Oh wait, I can close my eyes... yes... there he is. I love you.